Just Do It: The Coming Out Story of a Closeted Athlete

Date of Award

Winter 2023

Project Type

Thesis

Program or Major

Creative writing

Degree Name

Master of Fine Arts

First Advisor

Jaed Coffin

Second Advisor

Sue Hertz

Third Advisor

Robin Hackett

Abstract

I consider myself new to understanding the experience of “queerness.” I have only been “out” since 2019, and it is only within the last two years that I’ve questioned what my queerness means to me and how it affects my place in the world. I don’t consider myself an expert on the subject by any means. I have learned much about queer theory, sexuality, and gender identity while writing this thesis, but I still feel as though I am only scratching the surface of understanding what it means to be queer. This thesis is an exploration of that meaning through the lens of my identity and experiences as a white, genderqueer lesbian in my early twenties. I do not mean to speak for all when I speak of my queerness, but I do hope that there are some readers who will find my stories relatable, meaningful, and/or insightful.

I never wrote memoir until I had to write a personal essay for my college application, and since then I’ve found a passion for using memoir, and more specifically journaling, to guide me through complex periods in my life. Using journal entries to craft personal essays has been a foundational part of my writing process when it comes to topics surrounding queer identity, sexuality, relationships, and mental health. For many of the stories featured in this thesis, I took direct quotes from personal journals that I wrote between my high school graduation in June 2017 to the end of my second year of graduate school in May 2023. Getting into the headspace of my past self was essential to writing authentically about those periods in my life, and I am very grateful that I spent many hours “brain dumping” into my journals throughout my college experience.

Many of the stories in this thesis cover my journey exploring my sexuality in college, a process that left me confused and alone for almost two years. I didn’t have the research and the tools I needed back then to understand who I was, and I hope that this collection is able to educate both queer and heterosexual persons who may be struggling to understand their own identities or the identities of others. I have conducted extensive research for this thesis for the material to be as authentic and accurate as possible, a feat that is quite complicated when discussing queerness since it is such a subjective term. The definitions and experiences of queerness are constantly changing, and so the risk of writing this thesis is that the content within it may become obsolete with age. This thesis is meant to represent my thoughts and feelings during the time periods stated above. Writing this thesis, I have discovered much about myself and what it means to be queer as well as the joys of living authentically despite both external and internal obstacles and opinions. Even if no one finds the words I’ve written useful, they have been useful to me in my own understanding of my identity, and that is an accomplishment to me.

This document is currently not available here.

Share

COinS